The God Killers by David Simpson
The story of a rag tag band of resistance fighters who know the truth about God and the afterlife. That the former is a soul-consuming dick and the latter isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We follow along as they attempt to Kill God.
Yep. That’s the story. Seemed interesting at first glance.
The good? It was a short read. Really short. I finished it in a few hours.
The bad? Everything else, everything else, is stupid.
Seriously, everything else about this book is just bad. The writing, the dialogue, the characters, the atmosphere, the plot. It’s all really, really stupid.
We open in a conduit/wormhole between Earth and Heaven, where our intrepid hero
Neo Cipher has just fled a failed attempt to kill God with the oft-used relic The Spear of Destiny. He’s pulled out at the last second by his friend Han, who has just brought him back to life in the ‘real’ world.
When Han learns that the mission failed, he and
Constantine Cipher decide it’s time for a big syringe-full dose of good old smack. As in heroin. Because when fighting God and Angels and Demons and Ghosts, drug use is mandatory! Even encouraged!
Look, I get that the idea here is to show that these poor folks are so disillusioned with the world that their only escape is through alternative means. But, really, this is just stupid. I’ve known several people in my life who’ve used heroin or crack or whathaveyou. They wouldn’t be able to function enough to do the things necessary in a Resistance of any kind.
Anyway our two
inept intrepid heroes, Keanu fucking Reeves Cipher and generic_jackie_chan Han then attempt to flee for their lives before Gods minions can track them down. On the way, they fight Ghosts. With their fists. And UV light, which apparently burns the Ghosts.
No, I’m not making this up.
No, I don’t understand it either.
Next up we meet Father Hurley, a priest(hah. hah.) and Natalie, a student of some kind who knows all about other dimensions and wormholes and nuclear weapons.
Then cue the most ludicrous example of over-the-top villainy I’ve seen in a while, one Caiaphas. Here’s a little quote from the book about him that my friend Becky seems fond of, so you’ll see what I mean:
“He stepped lightly, careful to avoid the dampest areas of the floor, and pulled out his durable, double-ply, English-style handkerchief, making the regrettable but graceful decision to sacrifice it in the name of saving his sleek, flat-front burberry cotton trousers, placing it on the decaying, splintered bench of the booth where Officer Roche’s ample frame was docked.
Roche barely looked up from the red sauce coating the chicken wings clutched between his meaty paws and blubberous opposable digits.”
Caiaphas spouts this kind of stupidity throughout the rest of the book. Why? I guess to show how he’s rich and powerful and looks down on humanity or somesuch. All it does is make him sound like a complete douche.
There’s some more fighting, and running, and fleeing, and a bit of backstory for some of our heroes(
Neo Cipher is a Hacker! And he made money off the internets! Han knows Karate! Father Hurley still believes in God!).
This line pretty much sums up the level of writing in this book:
“The giant monolithic figure recoiled and his jaw rocked back as he stumbled backwards and fell onto his back.”
There’s some other stuff in here, about Satan(a woman *gasp*), Aliens, random planes of existence, third-eyes, the ghost of a child who had been aborted, nuclear wessels, blahblahblah.
None of it comes together. None of it is cohesive. None of it makes sense.
All of it is pretty stupid.
It’s as though someone took a handful of story ideas, threw them against the wall, and whatever stuck is what went into this book. Continuity and sense be damned!
On the WTFery scale, this barely registers. On the stupidity scale, though, it gets the highest of marks.
That’s not a good thing.
right cross to Gods face Star.